Having nothing to do really sucks you know.
Its like, waiting for something to happen, but nothing happens.
And doing nothing is so much more fun when you are supposed to be doing something.
I think this sickness I have is kind of caused by a teeny bit of stress. I'm getting annoyed with myself for not having money.
Going to uni is supposed to open doors of opportunity for you and I felt so confident that I would soon be earning money so I could do the things I wanted.
And yet...here I am....with nothing to do.
Waiting for a phone call from a prospective employer, but its not coming.
Is this a type of depression I wonder - when nothing goes right at all?
It's kind of like an emptiness...or an acceptance that everything about yourself is useless.
No one wants me to work for them...
It seems like no one wants me at all...in any aspect of my life.
The weird thing is...I'm emotionless about it. I feel nothing. I wish I was sad and have a heavy heart and felt like crying.
I don't even feel numb.
I just feel nothing...like I'm a rock.
Maybe this is just how my inner self defends itself from being hurt.
...but actually, I would rather feel pain than this.
I'm hoping to goodness that I'm just having a really bad week and things will get better soon.
By the way, this is not even an emo post...I'm not sad or anything. I'm just stating how I feel right now.
It's weird isn't it?
OH PLEASE SOMEONE CAUSE ME TO HAVE SOME KIND OF EMOTION!!!!
Ohhh what if I become one of those sullen old unmarried ladies who no one likes and she dies and no one remembers???
Ok maybe that is a bit far fetched, but I just hate the feeling of being stuck.
I find it not fair!
Its not fair that I can't get a job with animals.
Its not fair that I don't have money.
Its not fair that I have to feel like this.
Its not fair that the friends I want to see are so damn far away.
Such an empty feeling.
Like white noise.
I want to feel something - to laugh, to fight, to cry, to hurt, to smile, to kiss, to hug, to dance, to sing, to wake up refreshed, to be wanted, to be close.
I want to go to the movies and go for walks and I want to swim and run and slap someone for being a complete asshole.
I want to get mad and shout and I want to make up.
I just want to live and please God at least let me love.
And I want to be needed just as much as the next person does.
I really want relief...relief that this was just a momentary phase and that I will be able to feel the warm sunshine tomorrow instead of this awful nothingness.
AND NOW!!!
I'm going to count the money I've put in my money box over the past month. Lets see if saving is effective shall we?
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1p = 38p
2p = 82p
5p = 85p
TOTAL - £2.05
10p = £1.60
20p = £4.40
50p = £1.50
TOTAL - £7.50
£1 = £4.00
£2 = £2.00
£5 = £5.00
TOTAL - £11.00
GRAND TOTAL - £20.55 (WOW)
That's actually quite a lot of money considering the box isn't even a quarter full yet...COOL!
Imma try and get it to £100 and then put it in the savings account towards travelling.
I actually feel a bit happy about this!!
YAY a feeling!!! XD
right...just going to watch The Princess and the Frog with dad and Sarah...again.
Dad will probably fall asleep.
--------------------------------
...he did fall asleep LOOOOL
but woke up for the ending.
An ending that made me smile (again)
Prince Naveen is so sdofhjknsdfsodlfks
Charming and full of himself and sure of himself and sure about everyone else too -.-
Is quite selfish, but not unkind...just sort of doesn't think.
And he's pretty much a noob too - but figures out what is good for him in the end.
I like Prince Naveen :D
The first thing dad said when he saw him was,
'Its Aladdin's Brother!'
LOOOOOL
I find it hilarious how an ex-soldier sits and watches Disney cartoons with his daughters (even if we are constantly waking him up so he doesn't miss anything).
I suppose he should have known it would come to this. On his first date with my mum they went to the cinema to watch The Rescuers which is a Disney cartoon about heroic mice XD
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I bought a new webcam today. This means both computers can have one now so me and Sarah don't have to fight over the old one anymore.
I'm still trying to figure out what the new one can do though...the only thing I found out so far is it makes me look hella ugly.
but maybe that is just me being exceedingly pessimistic.
I hate being like this.
I like being optimistic there is no such thing as being TOO happy and TOO nice.
being nice makes you feel better about yourself. Even if someone is a lousy good for nothing, you should still be nice to them.
Who are we to judge why others behave the way they do when we can't even get over ourselves and be kind and considerate?
Its so much easier to be incredibly disgusting than it is to be nice.
Everyone should just man up and push their pride down and be a little kinder, then maybe this world would be a better place.
And no, it doesn't make it easier to be taken advantage of.
You don't have to be a gullible noob to be nice.
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OH! GD girlfriend rumours ---- could this day get better??? -.-
I mean...I wouldn't be surprised if it was true, but...*sigh*
If she makes him happy and he writes awesome love songs because of it I can't complain... I am but a humble VIP.
Bigbang :) I luvem!
Jiyong is like a beautiful dream, with beautiful hair.
Now who can I marry??
We would have made beautiful babies, ROFL
Oh Jiyong *sigh*
Boys are so weird sometimes.
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Well its late and I'm tired and need some beauty sleep. I've had two full nights sleep which is helpful. So I'm hoping I shall have another deep and dreamless slumber.
Good Night Dear ones
Sorry for this weird post...I'm really not myself
but one thing, I still love you!!! :)
From Minnie
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I Miss You
(written sometime last November if I remember correctly)
Yes, I missed you
I missed your face
I missed your eyes
I missed your nose
I missed your hair
I missed your smile
I missed your movements
I missed your arms
I missed your jokes I missed your concentration
I missed your distraction
I missed your smirk
I missed your sudden laugh
I missed you positives
I missed your negatives
I missed you ears
I missed your mouth
I missed your sadness
I missed your happiness
I missed your abruptness
I missed your tests
I miss you then, there, here, now, everyday and all the time
So don't go....
We don't realise how much we need some people until they are gone.
Its wonderful to know people who can mean so much just by being alive :)
They make my little life truly spectacular.
Its not all about me.
night.
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