Sunday 7 October 2012

Update

Dear whoever reads this-

I have a new blog now and will be posting there from now on.

If you like to read my writing please take a look

http://minnienubcak.blogspot.co.uk/

Love ya chickens!

Sunday 2 September 2012

Renewed Mind

Today interesting points were made

I was feeling foul. In fact, i've been feeling foul for about three weeks. No idea what is wrong with me. Maybe I'm depressed. Maybe I'm bored. I should probably figure it out before it eats me up and I turn into a bitter and cynical monster who cannot enjoy life at all.

It so happened that today I became enlightened. A little.

Me and my housemate decided to go visit a place a few miles from where we reside called the Cotswold water park. We had a nice walk and even though it was a cloudy day it was still warm. It smelt and felt good.

We walked by this river. I have never seen such clear water. Just walking by it I felt its beautiful clarity rush over my mind. Everything was outlined. Just like when you put on new glasses. I can't describe how refreshing it was.

I know I've been the human form of a nightmare these past few weeks. I can sense that my housemates are concerned about my restlessness. It's good to have some peace of mind back in order.

My point being, if you ever feel the need for clarity and composure - go for a nice walk. I feel like my thoughts have stabilised immensely.

Holding onto a positive attitude is not one of my strong suits. God help me, I will try and latch onto this one.

Speaking of God. One of my housemates made an interesting statement today while we were all chatting over a cup of hot stuff.
We were discussing people who believe in God and then suddenly don't and his opinion of it was this.

A converted atheist will always admit that they were deceived in the past, but what they won't admit is that they were actually lying to themselves. You see if a person truly believes in God then he has felt and witnessed and knows for sure that God exists. When you know someone exists how can you then deny them? Which brings us to the conclusion that the person in question never knew God at all, even when they said they did - therefore, they were always lying to themselves and to everyone else as well.

It's like knowing someone as a friend and then denying their existence...odd.

I thought it was an interesting point anyway. I'm not a expert on human psychology, but it's a nice juicy bit of info to really have a good think about.

So. Please God (who I do believe in) help me to preserve this positive attitude and better myself instead of just complaining and making myself into a fool.


Sunday 20 May 2012

Ends and Beginnings, oh, and Shelves.

I tidied my room today.

Someone needs use of  the bottom bunk for a few weeks so I thought I'd make the effort and give the gift of cleanliness to them.

I also sorted my shelves, they look awesome now.

Top shelf - Books and DVDs

Middle Shelf - Souveniers and memorabilia

Bottom Shelf - Diaries and essential daily usage things.

I am so happy with it all I could just burst.

Today is my final 24 hours of being a 23 year old. This birthday thing is getting rather used now I'm afraid to say. 24 is really in the20s isn't it??? It's almost midway through them.

There are so many things I haven't done yet. Like learn to drive for example.

I'm not complaining though, I look forward to the things I haven't done yet.

The best thing about my 23rd year was that I was actually able to really think freely on my own and make decisions. Really get to know myself and what I want from life. No, I don't have all the answers, but I was able to do things I wouldn't have done before.

I moved out of my family home for one. I wouldn't say I've left there for good, in fact, I'd say it was more my home than where I live now, but...there is a certain lovely feeling you get when you are free from parental dictatorship. I say that in the most respectful way. I believe wholeheartedly that my parents brought me up so that I could come to a place where I was able to live without them. I also believe they did a pretty good job.

However, to be able to be fully myself and not a little clone of them. I had to get out of the nest and really test my abilities and grow my own ideals and feed my own curiosity.

I'm doing that now and I have to say, it is liberating.

I guess that is why I have been able to do so many things. If I'd been at home, I would never have gone to Korea and met my friends and seen bigbang. What a loss that would have been!

I can't even imagine how horrid D:

So yes, I'm stretching my wings, testing my boundaries and hopefully becoming a better me as time goes along.

In any case, I am looking forward to this, my 24th year, with curiosity and excitement and I hope my future self will really go for it and take every opportunity and run with it.

I will see more of the world and experience more things and thrive on change. I want to learn everything I can and try new flavours and see more cultures and share it all with interesting people. It would also be quite nice if there was a bit of wild out of control romance thrown in there too, just a suggestion :D

SO...allthough 24 is almost mid 20s, I feel like it is part of the beginning of a new era for me.

Care to join?

Min

Saturday 12 May 2012

Inspiration

Last night I went to a poetry recital.

I am a fan of poetry in general, but it was interesting to watch people read out something they had written themselves. I was actually shocked at the high standard - usually when I go to things like this it's just to support amateurs. These people were like screen writers and opera writers, people who make a living out of using words to recreate moments in life.

It was pretty stunning. I freaking love the arts.

I live with someone who is a professional singer and she was also performing there during the interval. I'd never heard her sing with an audience before. We were joking earlier because I told her as much and she said,

'Yeah you've only seen me walking around the house singing in my pyjamas.'

Which is true.

She has a stunning voice. Glad I was able to hear it in that environment.

I live with super talented people, yet they are so down to earth about it, not shoving it into everyone's faces- so I will. In my house there is a singer, a musician, a dramatist, a film maker, plus a few others. As far as artistic inspiration goes I am probably sitting in the ideal spot. Creativity abounds. I really hope I learn to soak some of it up.

I love people who inspire me. That's all.

I just hope that one day, I'll be able to inspire them back.

Saturday 7 April 2012

Supressed

Why do chips taste so good?

Not that I fancy any at the moment. Just having a little wonder.

I'm getting really irritated for a silly reason. I made my bed on my grandmas sofa and suddenly everyone in the house have decided that they want to sit on the sofa, therefore leaving me with about two inches of space.

I don't know why I'm being so irritable. It's just people can be so grrrrrrrrrr!

Why do people ask you questions when they can obviously see you've just put food in your mouth?

Why do they speak just to hear the sound of their own voices?

And why the hell do they presume to know how your mind works more than you do?

I actually think the answer to my questions is, Minnie, you are over tired the cold you have is causing your ears to be blocked with snotty fluid.

Usually I can keep my cynical thoughts and sarcasm within me, but when you have fluid in your ears it is so hard to be positive.

It's 11:11.

Gosh I need to sleep...I also need leg space. Or just space in general.

Dreams take me somewhere open and free.

Tuesday 27 March 2012

Abnormal, the New Normal

So many things are happening all at once.

The laziness within me is like...

'Dude, chill your life.'

I know, that is just a load of tosh.

Actually, life is just being normal. Full. It just makes me want more of it.

This in turn, makes my life SO irritating.

Monotony, that curse. I have to drag through the days waiting for the times I have planned for excitement, or at least some amazing surprise. Yet the great race just loves keeping it simple just when I want everything to explode.

This leaves me in a great predicament. Should I throw in the towel of monotony and give up making a living so I can then ACTUALLY  live a living?

The truth is, I need money dammit. The things I like are expensive. The things I want to do have an expense. So you see, monotony is what I pay for being able to live a life that I enjoy.

(Not that I am endorsing the love of 'Things' - I just can't be bothered thinking up words that describe life stuff at the moment.)

If I could just find a way to make the boring stuff worthwhile, in my own mind, so then everything would be wonderful and interesting.

But then...if everything is interesting, does everything then become not very interesting at all????

I DON'T EVEN KNOW!

I just super confused my own brain with this entire post. Do I even want to continue to publicize my ability to completely and utterly befuddle myself?

I need someone to fool around with.

I'm going now, to write deep and meaningful poetry about how I really feel.

Minneh

Sunday 18 March 2012

The Korean Dream

Here I am, sat in my room, listening to the instrumental of 'Blue' by bigbang.

I have a very nice view from my bedroom window. The combination of pretty view and chill tunes really relaxes my socks off (not literally).

You may (or may not) know, but two weeks ago I finally fulfilled my long term dream of visiting South Korea. It was everything that I imagined and more. Not only was I in the country, but I was with dear friends who I'd been waiting to hug for so long AND to just make it perfection - I saw Bigbang at Big Show 2012 - twice.

If you have been following me since I've had this blog. You will understand the hugeness of the whole experience.

I should probably post a few piccies so you can see.Unfortunately I can't post them all because there are like seven million.

 Bi Bim Bap on the plane - the first flavours of Korea

 The first signs of land, soon I will be there!

 Me and Zaty eonnie after I landed - TIRED and Vereh happeh!

 Me and my Boyfriend

 BIG SHOW 2012! Here we come!

The three of us together <3 - wish we'd got a better pic than this, next time!

Only six. It takes forever for pictures to upload on blogger doesn't it? I just don't have the patience haha.

I wore my I <3 Korea t shirt for the first time today. Allthough the design is not as pretty as the one I bought for Sarah, it still looks nice on me haha. I guess it's because I'm a t shirt type girl. Always have, always will be. I will be an embarrassment to my kids, but PFFT what do they know anyway?!

Anyway, I'm all blogged out for now. All I can say is. I had an amazing fabulous time. I'm completely in love with South Korea, Bigbang and my friends. Lets make more plans! I have so many more friends I have to hug to death! Believe me - It has only just begun.

Minnnnnn

Wednesday 22 February 2012

I'm sat at lunch listening to 'blue' bigbangs latest gift to the world. It's an awesome song, but from them I expect nothing less and they ALWAYS deliver.

Last night I slept super light. The reasons being -

Firstly, it was super hot, like a flaming sauna

Secondly, nerves.

Thirdly, there is no thirdly.

I'm finding that I get my most extreme form of anxiety when it is night time. It's as if all the negative thoughts I have ignored throughout the day have fused together to form the monster that hides in my wardrobe.

It's really annoying!

I jut wanna kick it's ass or hit it with a Bible or something, because not only does it really discourage me - it also reduces my sleep time.

It's obvious there are serious issues here.

'Breathe' by G Dragon live recording from the shine a light concert - I am dying in my lunch seat.

Well, my time is up. I have to return to databases and call outs. I'm trying to have joy about this whole thing.

Min

Monday 20 February 2012

The Working Mind

Sat at the lunch table at work wondering what else I could be doing with my life.

I was just thinking last night about how I wanted to be able to work In another country at some stage. I'm a complete fail when it comes to wanting something so hard and then working to get it. Most of the time I just allow myself to be discouraged.

I'd love to have a constant flow of new things coming into my existence, but it takes a bit more effort than that. My brain yearns for creativity and fresh ideas and my eyes really wish I still wore contact lenses(just thought I'd throw that in).

Someone bought me a new mirror for my room yesterday. I really love it and it makes a lot of difference in the complete barren wasteland that was left when my room mate moved out. It brings a lil' bit of character to the place, I like character.

It's one of my housemates 21st birthday on Thursday and I have no idea what to get her. I can't really remember my 21st, however I do know that two weeks before I met some pf my best friends. I think it's remarkable how 'things' don't remain in your memory, but the feeling of love does. It shows what is the most important thing.

Well, I have to get back to work now so I hope you have a nice day and please pray that I think of a great birthday present.

Min

Tuesday 14 February 2012

I Hope I Am Never Gross

My tongue feels like it has lost all feeling and my back gums feel like they have had a fist fight with the Incredible Hulk.

This horrible experience is due to drinking boiling hot liquid and wisdom teeth.

If this is what heat and wisdom bring with them...well, I think we would all be better of without it all - kidding...ish...no really I am.

Well, my room mate has officially moved out, but in the kindness of her heart, has left me her laptop till the end of the month, hence, this blog post.

Its like three minutes past 12 so my grammar will be poo, but I don't actually care - what loony gave rules to expression anyway? (FYI, I don't usually think this way at a daylight hour, in fact I <3 grammar).

Call me fickle, I don't give a crap.

So yeah I'm all alone in this room now, I'm a bit sad about it actually. I miss having a roomie.

The internet has been super boring tonight, no one has been online and tumblr and twitter are going extremely slow. I'm totally using this blog post as a place to complain - I'm sorry, I really don't mean to.

We just finished watching a French Romcom called 'Beautiful Lies'. Its about this guy who writes a love letter to this girl., but her mum gets confused and thinks it is for herself. It was pretty good. I wouldn't watch it again for a while though. It didn't even come close to being as good as 'My Sassy Girl' (Korean version, just to be clear).

It was Valentines Day yesterday and I never told anyone I loved them. It doesn't really matter, all the people I love know it already. It's just a good harmless excuse to be loving and I didn't take the opportunity. Oh well, at least it's pancake day next Tuesday.

And now, I MUST sleep. I can have a lie in too, because I have a lift to work, which is a bit lush.

Goodnight fit ones,

Love Min

Wednesday 8 February 2012

Feet

I have just watched the trailer for 'The Amazing Spiderman'.

I'm looking forward to this film, but I REALLY loved Spiderman 1 & 2 so it has rather large shoes to fill, in my opinion.

It helps that I like Andrew Garfield. It also helps that he is a very good British Actor.

I don't fancy him though, I just like him....cos I know you were thinking that I think about every attractive person in a shallow and perverse way. I don't. I have a list of specific people for those kinds of thoughts.

:D

Anyhoo, work has been doing that thing. You know, work then sleep, work then sleep then repeat. I was scared my life would end up like this, but actually, I don't hate it as much as I hate the thought of it. I mean, without standing all this monotony I wouldn't have been able to buy a plane ticket to South Korea, nor would I have been able to go ice skating tonight.

Skating was good by the way. I was wearing this old jumper that I feel extremely comfortable in and I think I learned a lot better. The learning process (in anything) is always a lot easier when you are extremely relaxed in the clothing you are wearing.

My dad just posted on my FB wall! He is never on FB, this is like a huge achievement for him.

I'm so glad I don't have to get a shower tomorrow morning. It's super cold in this country at the minute, I'm talking constant minus temperatures. Its so awful having wet hair on very cold days and then waiting for a bus outside on those very cold days. It doesn't help that I refuse to use a hair dryer (with good reason) and also I only have one pair of shoes, which seems irrelevant, but I think warm feet are necessary when you have wet hair on cold days.

Am I making any sense at all? I hope not.

While I am on the subject of hair, I just want to mention that I am completely happy with my hair lately. It feels so nice and is being wonderfully manageable, it's like after all these years I have finally managed to tame the beast...or maybe I haven't, maybe actually I have just come to have an understanding with it.

If you didn't know my hair is actually another life form attached to my body whom I have had to learn to live with in a symbiotic way.

Alright, I shall sign off now, because I want to tumblr.

MIN---CE

Monday 6 February 2012

Talks like a Cabbage, Walks like a Cabbage

I'm actually super tired and I don't know why I'm doing this.

My landlady has decided to buy a new TV for our front room - this news is - AWESOME.

I feel we should watch Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon for its 'first time'. It has to be a good movie, not some old tosh.

As you can probably gather from the tone of this post, my mood from when I wrote here last has diminished. I was in a bad place at that time, I am through that bad place now, thanks to my creator and also common sense. I have to admit though, that last rant was really well written. Sometimes I just impress myself so much.

Speaking of impressiveness. Today I wrote a letter to this guy and showed it to my supervisor to check it over and I only had one error in the whole letter and that was a spelling error (well, who knew 'administrational' was not a word?'). MY COMPOSITION SKILLS ARE BOSSLIKE!

I feel like I am well practised in letter composition though. During my school years (in the back of beyond) there were like a thousand English books dedicated to letter writing. It seems an irrelevant skill in this webb/internet day and age, but surprisingly it is of use to me.

I find that I often find use of things that seem irrelevant.

LIKE MY HEART!

*cough*

Ok I'm just going to have a lil rant here and now.

I superduper hate dating. LIKE SUPERDUPERDUPER HATE WITH A PASSION THAT BURNS MY SOUL!

If you want to get to know someone can't you just do it in a not stalker creepy way like, I dunno, talking to them about every day stuff in a normal every day way.

Asking someone on a date and saying you want to get to know them more is super freaking creepy I can't even. Its pretty much saying, I am interested in you and I want to force my feelings upon you in this stupid indirect way.

Well, let me put this straight. I only go out with my friends! If you are not my flipping friend, then you have no right to even approach me in that kind of intimate manner.

THERE ARE LEVELS THAT YOU HAVE TO PASS WITH ME!

You can't just jump over the friendship level just because I don't let people be my friend easily!

BLOODY FOOLS!

Ok, I think I'm done with this rant now.

I will see you later smexual ones!

Minnie

Saturday 4 February 2012

Clarity Where Art Thou

This week.

Has been

Mortifying.

The feelings that have been going on within me - I tell you what - If there are feelings that I would ask God never to let me feel again, it would be these ones.

Emotional wreck is a huge understatement. However normal a person will look on the outside, you will never know what goes on inside.

I can't describe the hopelessness and dire need for some sort of wholeness.

I'm sorry if this post is super depressing, it's not my way to be open about things - it's just - I can't figure out what it is.

Fear?

Anxiety?

I don't know, but I can say this. It's just not right.

It's not what I believe in.

I can't stand it.

After all:

'For God hasn't given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.'

2 Timothy Chapter 1 Verse 7

And:

'There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts away all fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.'

1 John Chapter 4 Verse 18

I want that freedom again - that confidence to walk out and know that I'm loved and the rest of it doesn't matter.

But life is such a hard master. It uses ever possible thing to try and convince you that you aren't loved, that you aren't enough, that when you mess up or disappoint you will never have another chance.

Fear.

The lack of love.

This corroding sensation in my stomach. I just wish it would go away. Washed away by something clean and pure. New blood in my veins.

I'm sick of torment and far off perfection. Not sleeping well. Loss of appetite.

What kind of quality of life is this? Where is the peace?

Sometimes I just feel like lying on the floor and crying out to God with tears and sobbing until all the grief is gone.

Maybe I don't deserve to feel this way. There are thousands of people a lot worse off than me. But being a tortured soul is not something I can handle. I need to love and care and give. It's selfish. It makes me feel better.

Does that mean my loving is never - has never, been sincere?

I don't even know what I wan't any more, because what I want seems to hurt me.

I wish I could have a hug that would just fill me up completely with true happiness.

Maybe that's what everyone wants.

Maybe I should just go to sleep.

Understanding would be nice. Understanding in my head and understanding from everyone else.

Night

From Minnie

Sunday 29 January 2012

Sketchy decisions

Today I endeavored to draw again, which was lovely. I had a choice whether to do nothing or draw and I opted for the creative.

Luckily, the subject of my picture is someone who I have a great deal of affection for so it's much easier for me to capture the likeness.

This weekend I have felt abnormally sleepy. I really crashed in a huge way. Maybe it's a good thing. I was rather stressed the whole of last week because I made a big decision during the first half of the week and I was coming to terms with it.

And te decision I made was....*drumroll* to go to Korea!

'oh yeah sure' you all say, 'she is saying she is going to Korea - again.'

But this time is different you see, oh doubting ones. This time I WILL be going and in March no less. So yeah. Going a bit insane tbh.

My tummy keeps moving.

Gonna contInue drawing now.

Latersss my lOvelies!!!

Min

Saturday 21 January 2012

Tangled Web of Discouragement

Look at that!

It is 1:55am and I am still awake.

Weeeeellll, it IS the weekend. I will go to bed as soon as I have written this post, because I'm am suddenly overwhelmed by sleepiness.

This past week has been completely insane. I have learned a few things, or rather, my eyes have been opened.

Firstly, I've discovered how disgustingly selfish indecisiveness can be.

Secondly, I've discovered that I am incredibly fickle.

These realisations brought me to the conclusions that -

1. I will train myself to be more decisive
2. It must be possible to love more than one person and it's possibly the only thing I can't make a solid decision about.

My two conclusions nullify one another.

Honestly, when do I get to win?

Do you mind if I go to sleep now. My body is transforming into zombie mode.

I still love life though. I just think that God still has a lot of work to do when it comes to me because no matter what I do, I still feel like I'm shackled to my insecurities. It doesn't help that the people I HAVE to respect seem to be pouring fuel onto my insecurities because that way I will never be able to move on.

Am I actually paranoid? I don't think so. I pray that I never make anyone feel inadequate and unable to help themselves.

Good Night

Minnie

Friday 6 January 2012

Gotta Make Something Happen, Can't Just Sit Around and Wait for It ~

This country is so cold when winter time comes. I swear the for rest of my existence I will complain about it in this love/hate way.

Actually, I'm more of a summer person. My best friend likes the cold, but I prefer the sweet smelling summer evenings and only having to wear one layer of clothing. I would thrive in a warm climate. Even better near a place by the sea.

One of my Christmas presents was a really gorgeous writing pad, which has become my new diary. I have been horribly neglectful of my writing since I moved away from home and this new year I want to amend that. So far so good. I've written in it almost every day, though my thoughts always seem to drift towards the bashing of everything that I find distasteful in life rather than what I love about it.

To be quite honest, I have become more cautious of what I write. Some things I'd rather just keep safely within my heart and head. It's because they are like my very own treasures - I guess everyone has something like that.

I started watching 'The Princess' Man' Korean drama again today after putting it on hold for a few months. It's just such a great drama and I highly recommend it. If you're a girl reading this - you will not be disappointed , the eye candy is perfection.

...just to make clear though, my admiration for this drama is not entirely shallow. It's incredibly gripping and heart wrenching, the storyline isn't slow and the characters are very relate-able.

So how is that for selling entertainment?  

I'm seriously considering re-filling my hot water bottle. It's at that point where it's lost its warming edge and my feet are starting to go numb again.

Yep, I'm gonna go do that.

Min

Thursday 5 January 2012

Where does the Heart of things Hide?

I want to do something different with my blog this year. Freshen it up a bit.

I don't mean the image either, I mean the content.

I can feel my writing getting stale. I despise how life can get so busy that the creative things get left behind. In fact, I wish I could just pack up a camper van and drive off and never return.

Yeah, I'm sure the mundane things all add to the bigger picture, but I refuse to sacrifice my existence to them.

I'm getting quite angry about this crap!

Anyway....

to the blogging and all that.


My favourite film is about a girl who takes advantage of the kindness of a boy, the result of which is complete hilarity. Actually, that’s just the surface of the story. The truth is, that the boy sees that the girl is completely broken and he shows support and kindness to her even when it seems like she doesn’t appreciate it at all.

There are always (at least) two sides to a story.  The reason why I like this film a lot is because for the first half it seems such a light hearted tale of quirky times between a boy and a girl. Then the second half shows how it’s actually a beautiful love story.

I guess this is just a storyfied version of every person. Everyone has a mirror image of themselves which they hide from the spotlight - The real true story of themselves that will only be revealed to people who are willing to wait and see.

Within every normal everyday person is a beautiful story waiting to be discovered. Just have patience and it will appear.

- And there you have it!

My headful of stuff for the day. How I miss my ranting ground!

Love n hugs,

Minnie

P.S. The movie is called 'My Sassy Girl'. If you wanna watch it make sure it's the gorgeous Korean version and not the heinous American remake.