- Forget and Not Slow Down by Relient K
I'm listening to that song, it's so amazing. It makes me think about how I tend to think about too much crap in my life and not move on.
Like my lack of motility on any direction, because I have these voices in my head that say,
'You can't do that, you can't do this, you aren't good enough, you always fail why even bother, they don't like you, you are rubbish, you don't understand anything, you will never amount to anything, your dreams are hopeless, the little confidence you have is actually false, you are of no use to anybody, you are a disgrace, you are a waste of time, you are a waste of space....'
I could go on...the funny thing is, I'm the one who is actually saying that to myself...I mean other people are mean, but no one is as mean as the judge inside yourself.
I guess why people who have low self esteems have major ego's.
Not that I have low self esteem...
you see I have two voices u_u
...scared?
I have my highly negative inner voice, beating the hell out of my personality and existence in general.
Then I have that other voice - you know, the Still Small One - the one I tend to ignore...to my disadvantage.
And then when I calm down and stop and listen and realise I was never alone - not even when I was crying my head off and begging for sleep so the ache would stop, so that I would feel some sort of peace...that at least for a few hours of the day I could have some time where I wouldn't have to think the hell out of myself.
cos when there is no-one who will hug you and when there is no one you can trust to tell everything to...I still have that Voice that tells me that everything will be ok. That I exist for a reason. That everyone needs me, even when they don't know it, that I will make a amazing life for myself, that everything in worth something.
And then when I listen...I have a better day and I can be of use to everyone I love and I make a better life for myself.
So yeah, that's why I know God is real...because that isn't my loud, irrational angry inner voice...it's someone who knows far better than I do.
And then I know I'm awesome for real and I'm not just telling myself that so I don't get suicidal tendencies.
God doesn't create anything that is un-awesome you know.
I just thought I would write something about what I believe in. Because it is very important to me. I don't just believe it because my parents do...it was my own choice.
Believe me I have argued with myself in my heart and head...
Asking myself if I just use my religion/beliefs as a safety net to get to heaven 'just in case'
but no. It actually makes me happy to be alive...more than my family, more than my interests, more than anything.
It's the only thing that has NEVER let me down.
A lot of people say,
but I'm not...why should I swear if I don't want to? Why should I sleep around with 20 million guys to be a 'real woman'? Why should I do anything if I don't want to? Why should I be mean or cruel to be strong? Why should I drink myself senseless to have a good time?
Why are people so shocked?
The fact is I just don't want to...I'm happy how I am...I'm not doing anything wrong or offending anyone who DOES like to do those things.
So why do they feel like they should smirk and mock me?
AND
Why is it so hard for people to accept that you like them without an ulterior motive?
Its like they feel comfortable with you and then they stab you in the back, just in case you were thinking of hurting them.
Its like they want to win a game you aren't even playing.
It's flipping heartbreaking, especially when everything you feel about them is of maximum sincereness.
I have my highly negative inner voice, beating the hell out of my personality and existence in general.
Then I have that other voice - you know, the Still Small One - the one I tend to ignore...to my disadvantage.
And then when I calm down and stop and listen and realise I was never alone - not even when I was crying my head off and begging for sleep so the ache would stop, so that I would feel some sort of peace...that at least for a few hours of the day I could have some time where I wouldn't have to think the hell out of myself.
cos when there is no-one who will hug you and when there is no one you can trust to tell everything to...I still have that Voice that tells me that everything will be ok. That I exist for a reason. That everyone needs me, even when they don't know it, that I will make a amazing life for myself, that everything in worth something.
And then when I listen...I have a better day and I can be of use to everyone I love and I make a better life for myself.
So yeah, that's why I know God is real...because that isn't my loud, irrational angry inner voice...it's someone who knows far better than I do.
And then I know I'm awesome for real and I'm not just telling myself that so I don't get suicidal tendencies.
God doesn't create anything that is un-awesome you know.
I just thought I would write something about what I believe in. Because it is very important to me. I don't just believe it because my parents do...it was my own choice.
Believe me I have argued with myself in my heart and head...
Asking myself if I just use my religion/beliefs as a safety net to get to heaven 'just in case'
but no. It actually makes me happy to be alive...more than my family, more than my interests, more than anything.
It's the only thing that has NEVER let me down.
A lot of people say,
'ohh you are goody goody...stop sucking up to people blah blah blah'
but I'm not...why should I swear if I don't want to? Why should I sleep around with 20 million guys to be a 'real woman'? Why should I do anything if I don't want to? Why should I be mean or cruel to be strong? Why should I drink myself senseless to have a good time?
Why are people so shocked?
The fact is I just don't want to...I'm happy how I am...I'm not doing anything wrong or offending anyone who DOES like to do those things.
So why do they feel like they should smirk and mock me?
AND
Why is it so hard for people to accept that you like them without an ulterior motive?
Its like they feel comfortable with you and then they stab you in the back, just in case you were thinking of hurting them.
Its like they want to win a game you aren't even playing.
It's flipping heartbreaking, especially when everything you feel about them is of maximum sincereness.
But nvm...I guess love is about being there for them, even if they beat on you...
I guess that's how you know that you really love someone.
For example (OFF THE RECORD) my sister is the person I love most in this world. I would probably die for her...or worse, sacrifice my pride for her (LMAO).
but the thought that she should feel the same way about me doesn't even cross my mind - in fact, I couldn't care less if she didn't - that's not why I love her.
Thats what love is...it can't be controlled, it's something that is given without any thought, it's constant and beautiful and most of the time it's invisible...sometimes people get so used to it that they don't even feel it.
They would feel it if it wasn't there though...
and that is the worst kind of lonliness.
Omg this post is deep LMAO!
I should totally shut up now and go to grandmas.
OH OH OH!!!
THIS SONG IS AMAZING!! I love this album!!! Its definitely going on my 'realistic Christmas List'
There is a ROCK version too!!
It's such a heavy song!
Ohhhh I just found out we are staying over at grandmas tonight...I guess that's because we are going to church there tomorrow, but my bestie wont be there because she has to go to one of her friend's babies Christening ceremonies.
That SELFISH baby!!! Taking my friend from me!!!!!
*cough*
Ok I should really get ready to go!!
Later my peeps,
Love Min
P.S. Someone on facebook who I generally dislike because they are EXTREMELY bumfaced to my sister just spelled 'Mickey Mouse' wrong and I REAALLY want to go all Grammar Nazi on him as an excuse to make him feel small...but I shall refrain...I don't want his spelling to improve because I helped him...SO NOT WORTH!!
P.S.S. My dad actually just texted my sister to tell us to get ready, rather than shouting up the stairs....HE IS FUNNEH!!!
bye bye see you!! *waves*
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