I'm sat at lunch listening to 'blue' bigbangs latest gift to the world. It's an awesome song, but from them I expect nothing less and they ALWAYS deliver.

Last night I slept super light. The reasons being -

Firstly, it was super hot, like a flaming sauna

Secondly, nerves.

Thirdly, there is no thirdly.

I'm finding that I get my most extreme form of anxiety when it is night time. It's as if all the negative thoughts I have ignored throughout the day have fused together to form the monster that hides in my wardrobe.

It's really annoying!

I jut wanna kick it's ass or hit it with a Bible or something, because not only does it really discourage me - it also reduces my sleep time.

It's obvious there are serious issues here.

'Breathe' by G Dragon live recording from the shine a light concert - I am dying in my lunch seat.

Well, my time is up. I have to return to databases and call outs. I'm trying to have joy about this whole thing.

Min

The Working Mind

Sat at the lunch table at work wondering what else I could be doing with my life.

I was just thinking last night about how I wanted to be able to work In another country at some stage. I'm a complete fail when it comes to wanting something so hard and then working to get it. Most of the time I just allow myself to be discouraged.

I'd love to have a constant flow of new things coming into my existence, but it takes a bit more effort than that. My brain yearns for creativity and fresh ideas and my eyes really wish I still wore contact lenses(just thought I'd throw that in).

Someone bought me a new mirror for my room yesterday. I really love it and it makes a lot of difference in the complete barren wasteland that was left when my room mate moved out. It brings a lil' bit of character to the place, I like character.

It's one of my housemates 21st birthday on Thursday and I have no idea what to get her. I can't really remember my 21st, however I do know that two weeks before I met some pf my best friends. I think it's remarkable how 'things' don't remain in your memory, but the feeling of love does. It shows what is the most important thing.

Well, I have to get back to work now so I hope you have a nice day and please pray that I think of a great birthday present.

Min

I Hope I Am Never Gross

My tongue feels like it has lost all feeling and my back gums feel like they have had a fist fight with the Incredible Hulk.

This horrible experience is due to drinking boiling hot liquid and wisdom teeth.

If this is what heat and wisdom bring with them...well, I think we would all be better of without it all - kidding...ish...no really I am.

Well, my room mate has officially moved out, but in the kindness of her heart, has left me her laptop till the end of the month, hence, this blog post.

Its like three minutes past 12 so my grammar will be poo, but I don't actually care - what loony gave rules to expression anyway? (FYI, I don't usually think this way at a daylight hour, in fact I <3 grammar).

Call me fickle, I don't give a crap.

So yeah I'm all alone in this room now, I'm a bit sad about it actually. I miss having a roomie.

The internet has been super boring tonight, no one has been online and tumblr and twitter are going extremely slow. I'm totally using this blog post as a place to complain - I'm sorry, I really don't mean to.

We just finished watching a French Romcom called 'Beautiful Lies'. Its about this guy who writes a love letter to this girl., but her mum gets confused and thinks it is for herself. It was pretty good. I wouldn't watch it again for a while though. It didn't even come close to being as good as 'My Sassy Girl' (Korean version, just to be clear).

It was Valentines Day yesterday and I never told anyone I loved them. It doesn't really matter, all the people I love know it already. It's just a good harmless excuse to be loving and I didn't take the opportunity. Oh well, at least it's pancake day next Tuesday.

And now, I MUST sleep. I can have a lie in too, because I have a lift to work, which is a bit lush.

Goodnight fit ones,

Love Min

Feet

I have just watched the trailer for 'The Amazing Spiderman'.

I'm looking forward to this film, but I REALLY loved Spiderman 1 & 2 so it has rather large shoes to fill, in my opinion.

It helps that I like Andrew Garfield. It also helps that he is a very good British Actor.

I don't fancy him though, I just like him....cos I know you were thinking that I think about every attractive person in a shallow and perverse way. I don't. I have a list of specific people for those kinds of thoughts.

:D

Anyhoo, work has been doing that thing. You know, work then sleep, work then sleep then repeat. I was scared my life would end up like this, but actually, I don't hate it as much as I hate the thought of it. I mean, without standing all this monotony I wouldn't have been able to buy a plane ticket to South Korea, nor would I have been able to go ice skating tonight.

Skating was good by the way. I was wearing this old jumper that I feel extremely comfortable in and I think I learned a lot better. The learning process (in anything) is always a lot easier when you are extremely relaxed in the clothing you are wearing.

My dad just posted on my FB wall! He is never on FB, this is like a huge achievement for him.

I'm so glad I don't have to get a shower tomorrow morning. It's super cold in this country at the minute, I'm talking constant minus temperatures. Its so awful having wet hair on very cold days and then waiting for a bus outside on those very cold days. It doesn't help that I refuse to use a hair dryer (with good reason) and also I only have one pair of shoes, which seems irrelevant, but I think warm feet are necessary when you have wet hair on cold days.

Am I making any sense at all? I hope not.

While I am on the subject of hair, I just want to mention that I am completely happy with my hair lately. It feels so nice and is being wonderfully manageable, it's like after all these years I have finally managed to tame the beast...or maybe I haven't, maybe actually I have just come to have an understanding with it.

If you didn't know my hair is actually another life form attached to my body whom I have had to learn to live with in a symbiotic way.

Alright, I shall sign off now, because I want to tumblr.

MIN---CE

Talks like a Cabbage, Walks like a Cabbage

I'm actually super tired and I don't know why I'm doing this.

My landlady has decided to buy a new TV for our front room - this news is - AWESOME.

I feel we should watch Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon for its 'first time'. It has to be a good movie, not some old tosh.

As you can probably gather from the tone of this post, my mood from when I wrote here last has diminished. I was in a bad place at that time, I am through that bad place now, thanks to my creator and also common sense. I have to admit though, that last rant was really well written. Sometimes I just impress myself so much.

Speaking of impressiveness. Today I wrote a letter to this guy and showed it to my supervisor to check it over and I only had one error in the whole letter and that was a spelling error (well, who knew 'administrational' was not a word?'). MY COMPOSITION SKILLS ARE BOSSLIKE!

I feel like I am well practised in letter composition though. During my school years (in the back of beyond) there were like a thousand English books dedicated to letter writing. It seems an irrelevant skill in this webb/internet day and age, but surprisingly it is of use to me.

I find that I often find use of things that seem irrelevant.

LIKE MY HEART!

*cough*

Ok I'm just going to have a lil rant here and now.

I superduper hate dating. LIKE SUPERDUPERDUPER HATE WITH A PASSION THAT BURNS MY SOUL!

If you want to get to know someone can't you just do it in a not stalker creepy way like, I dunno, talking to them about every day stuff in a normal every day way.

Asking someone on a date and saying you want to get to know them more is super freaking creepy I can't even. Its pretty much saying, I am interested in you and I want to force my feelings upon you in this stupid indirect way.

Well, let me put this straight. I only go out with my friends! If you are not my flipping friend, then you have no right to even approach me in that kind of intimate manner.

THERE ARE LEVELS THAT YOU HAVE TO PASS WITH ME!

You can't just jump over the friendship level just because I don't let people be my friend easily!

BLOODY FOOLS!

Ok, I think I'm done with this rant now.

I will see you later smexual ones!

Minnie

Clarity Where Art Thou

This week.

Has been

Mortifying.

The feelings that have been going on within me - I tell you what - If there are feelings that I would ask God never to let me feel again, it would be these ones.

Emotional wreck is a huge understatement. However normal a person will look on the outside, you will never know what goes on inside.

I can't describe the hopelessness and dire need for some sort of wholeness.

I'm sorry if this post is super depressing, it's not my way to be open about things - it's just - I can't figure out what it is.

Fear?

Anxiety?

I don't know, but I can say this. It's just not right.

It's not what I believe in.

I can't stand it.

After all:

'For God hasn't given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.'

2 Timothy Chapter 1 Verse 7

And:

'There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts away all fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.'

1 John Chapter 4 Verse 18

I want that freedom again - that confidence to walk out and know that I'm loved and the rest of it doesn't matter.

But life is such a hard master. It uses ever possible thing to try and convince you that you aren't loved, that you aren't enough, that when you mess up or disappoint you will never have another chance.

Fear.

The lack of love.

This corroding sensation in my stomach. I just wish it would go away. Washed away by something clean and pure. New blood in my veins.

I'm sick of torment and far off perfection. Not sleeping well. Loss of appetite.

What kind of quality of life is this? Where is the peace?

Sometimes I just feel like lying on the floor and crying out to God with tears and sobbing until all the grief is gone.

Maybe I don't deserve to feel this way. There are thousands of people a lot worse off than me. But being a tortured soul is not something I can handle. I need to love and care and give. It's selfish. It makes me feel better.

Does that mean my loving is never - has never, been sincere?

I don't even know what I wan't any more, because what I want seems to hurt me.

I wish I could have a hug that would just fill me up completely with true happiness.

Maybe that's what everyone wants.

Maybe I should just go to sleep.

Understanding would be nice. Understanding in my head and understanding from everyone else.

Night

From Minnie