Today

There is only one use for this blog tonight and that is to let all the grief in my head out...and it will be thorough and you may stop reading half way (if you read it at all) but I have to get this out or else I will burst.

Im sorry if it all gushes like blood from a sliced artery but I've had the most descending kind of day imaginable...

by descending I mean, I woke up on a high and then gradually fell in to despair.

So this morning I woke up and decided, uni? Why bother today? they are only going to nag me and bother me and generally make me feel like faeces.

By 'they' I mean both students and teachers...they all have degrees in ignorance.

Anyhoo I thought I'd make time to prepare my slides for a presentation I have to do on Wildlife Managment...so thats all fine and good, but first I have to have breakfast and take Sammy for a walk....oh! and watch a movie - the Jane Austen book Club - (a pretty good movie, but the lesbian part creeped me out - I will never get why ladies would like ladies, its hard enough living with your own messy moodswinging self, nevermind your other half being like that asidugEW)

Anyhoo, the movie made me kind of procrastinate until 12-ish, but then I thought. 'NO!!!! this WILL be a good and productive day!!!' So I got ready and found my nice green hoodie and favorite jeans all brand new and clean and dry on the radiator and was so happy - because, isnt it awesome to wear clothes that actually make you feel good?.

Anyway, I put my coat on and put Sam on his lead and set my music to 'Heartbreaker' by G Dragon - this song brings me to life, its special. Just as I was about to exit the door the phone rang and literally sucked all the mojo I had from my very soul.

It was my dad asking me to boil some eggs and put some toast in the toaster for him - I told him I was about to take Sammy out and he was like 'Well put the eggs to boil on a real low heat on the back burner, It will be ok because I'll be home in five mins.' I was like 'Ok whatever you say, you're the boss.'

So I did all that shizz and then I realized that before I hadn't even put my welly boots on so I would have walked out of the door in my socks anyway - what a complete NOOB.

So I started from scratch - restarted 'Hearbreaker' and collected Sam, who by this time was wandering round the house and dragging his lead along with him.

FINALLY I was outside in the fresh air - Sammy literally dragged me to the fields, poor boy, he should have been taken out long before that, he was probably desperate - I'm horrible, I can't even motivate myself to walk my most beloved and valuable possession in the morning - and I love him so much - I hate myself...

Anyway as I am British and it is my duty to complain about the weather I will say this - today the sun was warm...it was so warm, I probably didn't even have to wear a coat, my hoodie would have been fine. My complaint is - I actually was looking forward to a bit of ice in the air. You know, the kind that wakes your body up and makes your cheeks pink and clears the cobwebs from your mind?

Note: By cheeks I mean the face kind not the bum kind...just in case your mind is like that.... >_<

But of course as I mentioned before the air was warm and I felt clammy inside my coat and Sammy was in a sniffy mood - which is where he sniffs something for ages and wont come when I call - Im always scared it might be fox poo because he tends to roll in it and it stinks to high heaven.

Anyway I got home and dad was there already and the eggs had boiled and he was having boiled eggs on toast for dinner. So I made myself a cup of tea and thought I'd go on the computer 'for a bit' which when translated means, 'until I go to sleep tonight'....then dad calls up the stairs, ' Im going back to work now mins' and Im like 'OK daddy' and run downstairs so I can hug him and lock the door after he's left.

Then just before he leaves he's like, 'Oh when are you going to see Tia then?' and I'm like 'what?' (Tia is my sisters Pony) And he said, 'didn't sarah want you to go see Tia for her today?' and I replied. 'No actually this is the first time Ive heard this, actually I thought mum and Sarah went to see her this morning.' (My mum and sarah are staying over at a friends tonight)

Then dad was like, 'Well I think Sarah wanted you to go to see her.'

and I said, 'wait a minute, mum was shouting Sarah to go to bed early last night so they could go and see Tia this morning, are you telling me they didn't go?'

bearing in mind people, that for them, this is a 5 minute drive in the car, but for me it is a 2 mile walk through the mud to the stables and then a a two mile walk back.

Anyway dad was like, 'Well I dont know about that, but you should start off at about 4pm...I have to go now bye.'

So he left and I was stood there HELLA peeved because my mum and sister just presumed that they didn't have to go to feed their own pony because Minnie is at home and we can dump it on her.

'Pffft.' to that I thought and went back to the computer and chatted on msn to YJ eonnie and Mico and Zaty eonnie and Jae (Sorry if I seemed unfeeling Jae - I probably sounded like that, mianhe :( ). And then I realized we only had 66 SCREENCAPS for the Daesung birthday project on BBVIP (big bangs greatest international fan forum) and I decided to make it up to 100 CAPS (which I did and am currently uploading to the Birthday project thread as I type).

Then I got a call from Sarah asking me to go see Tia and I wasn't pleased at all and I told her that I wasn't and she was like, 'Fine then, it doesn't matter.' So I said, 'Fine then, bye.' and hung up and thought nothing else of it.

And then I started to watch a Japanese Drama called Strawberry on the Shortcake which is pretty much about this kid who falls in love with his step sister, which to me is creepy, but he liked her before he knew she was his step sister and well, he's played by Tackey (whom I adore - well he's like the model for Tidus, which means Tidus is real - how can I not adore the guy??').

Then the phone rang and I got annoyed because I had to go and answer it and everytime the phone rings Sam tried to bite whoever goes to answer it - its one of his weird things. So I answer it and it's my mum and shes's like.

'Did you go to Tia?'

Me - 'No, I forgot.' (purposefully)

Mum - 'Oh so how about next time we forget the stuff you want us to do?'

Me - 'I don't ask you to do my duties all the time.' (Like once or twice - and they complain about helping me anyway because I don't deserve it)

Mum - 'So you forgot after your dad told you this morning and your sister?'

Me - 'Yeah'

Mum - 'Well next time we'll just forget what....'

Me- 'Fine then mum, I don't want to hear it.' *hangs up*

Yes, bratty I know, and completely disrespectful - but when people have lost all respect for you, you don't feel you have to live up to their expectations...I still felt bad, but let it pass and went back to my drama about incest (ish) issues.

Then about half an hour later the phone rang again, this time it was my dad.

Dad - 'We have to go to the nursery tonight and empty the bins.'

Me - 'What the heck? Its 10:30pm!'

Dad - 'We need to do this for mum.'

Me - 'Wait a second, she knew she wasn't going to be home, why didn't she call the nursery and tell them she couldn't work today?'

Dad - 'I dont see what the problem is, when was the last time you helped mum at the nursery.'

Me - 'The last time she didn't let her boss know she couldn't be in that day.'

Dad - 'Whats the problem, its not like youve been out all day, you are becoming a recluse.'

Me - 'I have been out'

Dad - 'With the dog for 10 minutes is not out.'

Me - 'Mum should have called her work.'

Dad - 'You havn't done anything you've been asked all day.'

Me - 'What? You mean I havn't done all the things other people should have done themselves.'

Dad - 'You are the most selfish lazy person I have ever met in my life.'

Me - 'Well I'm your offspring, bye dad.' *hangs up*

Then I went back to finish episode 4 of my drama.

The vibe had totally left the building though.

My family hates me - and I'm too lazy to care

1. I hate uni so much I dont even go anymore
2. My dad is dissapointed in me - he came home and didn't speak to me and locked himself in his bedroom.
3. My mum is dissapointed in me - God only knows what kind of screamage treatment I will get from her tomorrow.
4. My younger sister does not respect or admire me, I can ignore it, but now that I think about it - its pretty sad
5. I don't know what to do anymore
6. I'm not happy

So yeah, I'm kind of like that person who jumped out of a plane for the adrenaline rush and then realized halfway that she forgot to wear a parchute and died.

And tomorrow I will have to collect the remaining threadbare excuse of an exterior image I have and fix it up so that other people wont know that Minnie, the good daughter and straight A student and good friend and daddy's girl and good example to other people her own age is a complete FAKE...or is very much past tense.

Even though you might dislike me after reading this one thing is for sure - I'm sorry. It doesn't matter who you are, whether sister or friend. I'm sorry if the way I felt today affected you in any way.

I'm just having a really hard time right now and am completely misdirected. I'm not making an excuse for myself, but please try to understand me. I just hope I can find myself somwhere again.

From Min