I'm Not Ok, I Just Have Hope That It Will Be

Just got back from the birthday meal that I was supposed to go to last night. It was quite nice, didn't eat that much, because dad had made an enormous lunch.

What I had was basically just a piece of grilled chicken which I bathed in chilli sauce and then stuffed down my throat.

I have to babysit again tomorrow, but first I have an interview so I'm going to be running around like an idiot and I am really not in the mood.

Today has just been quite hellish. Which is ironic considering it's Halloween.

Manchester this morning was just straining, I dislike going there so much and there are only a few reasons which makes going there worth it.

Though, after tonight, I wish I'd have stayed there.

It was funny though, I was sat with my friend and just said,

'I can't be bothered pretending to be nice today. I'm in an ignorant mood.'

She was like,

'Yeah I know what you mean. Being nice is hard work.'

I thought,

'Yes it is when you are expected to be nice ALL THE TIME.'

Don't get me wrong, generally, I am a fairly nice person...I do have a heart and it does feel for other human beings.

But, some days even nice people need to have a little kindness from other people.

Today was one of those days for me....but right now I just feel all twisted up inside...again.

You know what? I'm so upset I don't even know what to say. It's like someone has got a big stick and beat my head around multiple times and all my thoughts have mixed up into each other.

Today makes me wonder about human beings and why they act the way they do.

Why some people have to be in control all the time?
Why some people like to make others feel small?

Why some people would shoot someone who they know cares about them down just because they feel bad even though they know it would hurt the other person a lot?

I wonder if those people feel better about themselves now? Now that I feel guilty, small and pathetic?

And I wonder, why did all those people have to be ones I respect/admire/like/look up to/care for?

As far as I can see, I've not done anything to deserve this...but maybe if those people felt better because of it...well, at least something good came from a bad day.

but maybe I did deserve it.

I guess I can take this day as a lesson about people. And I have learned from them how NOT to behave from them.

So thank you, for helping me become a better person...and I feel sorry towards you because you obviously are hurt too and I'm sorry if I was insensitive in those situations (because I know I am selfish at times and don't see past my own nose).

So I think my best option is to forgive and forget...because in the grand scheme of things it's petty...so I will forgive. and I am sorry.

but that doesn't mean it didn't hurt. It's the worst I've felt in a long time.

ANYWAY!!!

I will put today behind me. I have a destiny and a future and everything that happens now is just shaping me up for then.

Kind of like the pain when you work out.

Tomorrow is another challenge and I feel so tired, so I am just going to pray, close my eyes and push every single thought out of my head.

Then I have to get up early and get a lush bath and it will be wonderful..

So good night everyone,

Goodbye October, Hello Happy 1st of November :)....Big Bang come back this month :D

Love From Minnie