Keep It Together!

I'm having an inner battle at the moment with an inert fear of travelling on a train.

Which is quite ridiculous! My inside curious person is taking a beating from my inside fearful person.

From when I was about 17 to about 20 I had a phobia of public transport as well as cinemas, It's rather a petty and shameful fear and I have no idea where it came from, but I had to banish it when I started university because I had to travel a lot on buses.

It took about a year for me to actually be able to get on a bus without feeling dizzy and sick.

This silly phobia has pretty much all gone, but now I have another ridiculous thing...which is a fear of that phobia coming back...

So so so so you see why Im a little spazzy about this whole train issue.

I also have this strange ability to think Im at the right place for hours and then find out I am not.

I have this niggling fear that I may use this ability when I change trains tomorrow and I will end up in France instead of Swindon!!!

AND I CAN'T EVEN SPEAK FRENCH!!! Not really well anyway!!!!

I realise that I am thinking way too much...and that I am actually a capable adult *cough* who can do anything I want...but then I think about my past failures and I get so nervous and sdfhjskjdhfkjsdhfkjsdhf.

Ok, but just writing this is making me feel sick to the stomach to I have to do this positive thing that I used to do on exam days.

I tell myself that at least I am not dead...and I also read the Bible...I'm not even joking.

I have this small Bible in my bag and reading it calms me right down...it's definitely a great comfort tool...allthough I will probably open it and it will be the account of Queen Jezebels death by being eaten by dogs after falling out of her window or the rape of Tamar and I will have to hurriedly find a chapter of hope and love...which fortunately, there are a lot of.

I like a reminder that God is actually there looking after my silly tummy and my silly fears.

Reading all this I think this little trip will be good for me to finally get over this silly wall that blocks me from moving forward.

My dream is to travel the world...therefore it is absolutely absurd that I feel uncomfortable travelling.

I will think of my gorgeous friends who live all over the planet and who I want to see very soon, that will be lovely.

I miss them so much it makes my stomach curdle.

HAHAHA what a pleasant thought.

You know that feeling when you are scared to get close to someone because you are scared of losing it.

Well it's kind of how I feel at the moment.

You see, I have internet connection atm, but am scared to log into msn because I'll be able to talk to people and then have to leave them and not talk to them again for ages and its like stabbing myself.

I should log in though...because I miss them and I want to talk to them because its an opportunity.

I mean, Its bad enough to not be there with them...msn is all I have!!!

Actually, being separate from people I care about is something I keep having to deal with over my 22 years...you'd think I'd be used to it, but actually I can't stand it at all.

I hate moving away, I hate no contact, I hate prolonged silences....because I know how important it is to let people know they mean a lot to you.

Life is too short for that.

I've lost someone I love to death before and it was always comforting for me that I was able to write him a letter to tell him how much I loved him before he died.

I often think back to then and feel glad that he knew.

LOOOOOOOL I'm going so deep in a blog post....this is me combating my train trouble.

I'm already missing my dog...his ears.

I'm watching Match of the Day 2....midnight football is quite invigorating.

Its almost 12am and I should probably get a good nights sleep.

My hair is almost dry now anyway

dfSFKSDFKSLdfk;dslkflsdkf;lsdkflsdkflskf;lfskslfkslfDFLGSJgnSDgSLDHGLKSDGHLKSD

I should pack my lappy up now!!!

HUHUHUHHUHUHUHUHHHHUHUUUUUUU!!!!!!!

NO! Positiveness!

Goodnight Darlings!

Love Minnie