Clarity Where Art Thou

This week.

Has been

Mortifying.

The feelings that have been going on within me - I tell you what - If there are feelings that I would ask God never to let me feel again, it would be these ones.

Emotional wreck is a huge understatement. However normal a person will look on the outside, you will never know what goes on inside.

I can't describe the hopelessness and dire need for some sort of wholeness.

I'm sorry if this post is super depressing, it's not my way to be open about things - it's just - I can't figure out what it is.

Fear?

Anxiety?

I don't know, but I can say this. It's just not right.

It's not what I believe in.

I can't stand it.

After all:

'For God hasn't given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.'

2 Timothy Chapter 1 Verse 7

And:

'There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts away all fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.'

1 John Chapter 4 Verse 18

I want that freedom again - that confidence to walk out and know that I'm loved and the rest of it doesn't matter.

But life is such a hard master. It uses ever possible thing to try and convince you that you aren't loved, that you aren't enough, that when you mess up or disappoint you will never have another chance.

Fear.

The lack of love.

This corroding sensation in my stomach. I just wish it would go away. Washed away by something clean and pure. New blood in my veins.

I'm sick of torment and far off perfection. Not sleeping well. Loss of appetite.

What kind of quality of life is this? Where is the peace?

Sometimes I just feel like lying on the floor and crying out to God with tears and sobbing until all the grief is gone.

Maybe I don't deserve to feel this way. There are thousands of people a lot worse off than me. But being a tortured soul is not something I can handle. I need to love and care and give. It's selfish. It makes me feel better.

Does that mean my loving is never - has never, been sincere?

I don't even know what I wan't any more, because what I want seems to hurt me.

I wish I could have a hug that would just fill me up completely with true happiness.

Maybe that's what everyone wants.

Maybe I should just go to sleep.

Understanding would be nice. Understanding in my head and understanding from everyone else.

Night

From Minnie