Its Raining, Im Inside, but I Feel It

I've been in a predicament with myself. You see, people have different sides to them and I am no exception. When I wake up I am filled with aspirations of what I could accomplish only for them to be drowned out by my lack of interest in my surroundings....or rather the little world I have created for myself.

If there was a project in which the students had to create a world for themselves mine would be a fail. Maybe thats why the wise people stop trying to do things all by themselves and let God create worlds...even miniature ones.

Its been my habit for a long time to write a diary every year. Recently I read through them and you know what was always the same about each one. In the first entry of them all I always write that Im wondering whether anything will have changed in my life by the time the diary is full...you know what? I dont feel like aything has changed...I mean, stuff has...but I didn't feel it.

The diaries from my teenage years are full of questions...most of those questions are to do with boys and when would I get one? I smiled a lot reading them. I only ever met one person who came up to scratch back then...It was a nice if not fleeting moment...Now I dont even bother about boys in any other way than that of friendship...friendship tends to last longer than romance in my life...to my future heart stealer, if you exist...I respect you...It must have been hard.

As I carried on reading my memories to my later teens all I seemed to be thinking about was studies and finishing and A+ results...for these accounts I know that I am an able person - if I really really desire to have something from the bottom of my heart I can get it. I feel proud of myself, not because of the good grades, but because I didn't let myself down...and its a good feeling.

The past three years Ive complained...A LOT. This is because I am making excuses for myself, because I havn't been doing what I should. I want everything, but make no movment to grasp at it. I keep telling myself that dreams come to you when in fact, its the opposite...we have to work to make our dreams reality....

To this day Im a little lost...somewhere in between two unknown places. I have desires and dreams this year, just as I did in all those years that have past. I tell myself that I wont wonder about where I'll be in the future, but its still there - lingering in my mind.

I wonder...

Im looking at myself in a new light recently. Asking myself what do I truly want. Its actually quite a hard question to answer. I have this life that I was given...how do I steer it? What was I supposed to do with it? I'm always asking myself these questions.

Sometimes they hammer into my head all the time and drive me crazy. Then I go to my beloved outlet at BBVIP and live my moments there carefree. I'm lucky to have found such a wonderful place. The thought of not ever meeting the people there is a terrible thing. Its horrendous for me to even think about before when they lived in this world and I had no idea...I think its all to do with destiny though. I mean there is always a purpose to meeting people. I dont believe in chance.

Unfulfilled

I'm getting used to waiting

My body is relaxing

Not settling for a loss

Just waiting for the win

I move in empty circles

I live for the necessity

Being patient for the moment

When I'll be free from the wait

I close my eyes and breathe

Everything crawls in slow motion

The days they pass so slow

And yet they speed right by

Nothing seems to proceed

Yet steady pace of life continues

and this is how it is

Nothing happens, but everything changes
Chances of new loves are missed

and yet, I continue waiting

What are new loves in comparison?

To live a day with you

Is more than 1000 with another

If someone else gave me their heart

I would be decievig them

for I'd still be waiting for yours.

So basicly that is how I feel...only extra acute,